Rohypnol in the glove compartment

Aren’t you gonna stop and help that poor guy pick up what he dropped when you barged past him? It was your fault, lady. Perhaps you should spend more time looking where you’re going and less time making kissy faces at that blasted camera. Honestly! And as for the petty theft of that guy’s phone, I’m sure that lip-synching snippet you left on the memory card will spare the police no end of hassle tracking you down and hurling you, hot pants-first into a urine-sodden holding cell. It’s no less than you deserve. Still, by the look of the rest of those reprobate mutants stacked ear to nipple in that sweaty holocaust shelter, a night in the cells is the least of your worries. Thank heavens you’re not given to tart yourself up in one of those meat dresses – all those docile, starstruck pedestrians dribbling and salivating into their cups would rip you to shreds before you’d strutted even halfway down Old Compton Street (in those ridiculously sexy heels). Just please, do me one favour sweetheart, next time you hop into a waiting convertible with a stranger at the wheel and Rohypnol in the glove compartment, put your feckin seatbelt on woman, for the love of disco! Do you really want to end up through the windscreen and under one of those London buses (thrown in to let the foreigners know where you’re supposed to be).

Oh to hell with it. I’m done worrying about you. Stay out as late as you like. I’m just going to put your egregious errors in judgement and blinkered insensitivity towards everyone else who happened to be sales shopping that day down to your pampered lifestyle and plastic, tupperware skin-tone. I’ll be honest, if I could fit my hips into an Edward Scissorhands original the way you do, burp out an epically infectious, erogenic ditty like this, and conduct it all without the meerest hint of pretension, I’d probably have an honest A-list swagger in my step and playful larcenous tendencies too.

Besides, I’m with you, girl. I wanna dance like it was the last dance of my life.

Oh, by the way, red hanky in rear right pocket could get a girl into a fistful of misunderstanding in Soho. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Related Posts:

Glittered Fashions

The World According to Mincey Strider

Both sides of the coin

The irony of the image being beamed into our homes this week of a bloated woman – fed at our expense; carried in a gilded horse-drawn carriage – bought and maintained at our expense; sitting enshrined on a golden throne surrounded by our country’s hereditary elite all bedecked and bewigged, while reading from a script detailing a vague priority to reduce the budget deficit – with draconian cuts at our expense, never ceases to amaze me. Today, people with severe physical and/or emotional disabilities are being lined up one by one to stand in front of (privately outsourced) medical adjudicators and somehow prove that they are entitled to the benefits they receive. Perhaps Her Majesty could be sent an appointment date to prove she is entitled to her benefits as well? At the same time real take-home pay for real workers and the value of real savings for real pensioners continue to fall in real terms while the typical pay of bosses at the majority of the UK’s largest publicly-listed companies rises by 11% in one year. And all this is happening while the bailed-out institutions that were too big to fail remain fed, watered, deregulated and completely unaccountable.

Perhaps there is hope to be found in a surprise (and much more laid back) appearance from the first born of the afore-mentioned bloated monarch, taking a turn at forecasting Scotland’s weather during a visit to the BBC’s Pacific Quay headquarters in Glasgow earlier today. Prince Charles, Duke of Rothesay – heir to the throne and self-styled Defender of the Faith(s) took time out from his annual Holyrood week away to visit the BBC studios after meeting students at City of Glasgow College.

Credit where credit is due. One need only look to his mother and her annual Christmas granite-style grin to know, looking that relaxed and at ease with yourself while staring down the barrel of a television camera is much much harder than he makes it look. Respect.

(Local readers take note – tomorrow the Prince is due to visit Kilmarnock).

What you will

I’m up and at ‘em much earlier than I expected this morning. I’ve already hung a week’s worth of work shirts on the line to dry and it’s only just the other side of 9.30am.

So before hubby and I take the rest of the day’s bull by the oh-so-sexy horns, I fancied a bit of isolated mental dredging.

Take from it what you will.

An eclectic couple of stumbled-upon movies that actually surprised me;

  • Psycho. No, I’m not trying to suggest I knew nothing about the movie before I saw it. I’m referring more to the manner in which I first found it. It’s probably relevant to make mention of the fact that it was the mid-90s so there was no internet, no streaming this or ithat. We didn’t have SKY and there was no Freeview. There were no digital video recorders and no instant programme listings (unless you count Ceefax and who in their right mind ever used that?) So then, picture the scene. It was late night – we were channel surfing. It must have been one of the two BBC channels we happened upon (I remember there being no adverts) and it felt as if the film was about 15 or 20 minutes in. We’d missed the titles so we had no idea what we were watching. It was only the fact that it was black and white that kept us hanging on (we were B&W junkies at the time). For those who have seen the film (and why, quite frankly would anybody not have done), Janet Leigh had already stolen the money from her boss and was in the process of being questioned by the highway patrol officer. Consider how seemingly innocuous the moment appears if you don’t know what you’re watching. It was only after another 15 minutes or so when she pulled up to the Bates Motel that we both looked at each other and cried out almost in unison – “Isn’t this Psycho!?” Yes, it was. And yes, there then followed another hour or so of orgasmic movie magic. What a wonderful surprise!
  • Cloverfield. For some reason all the viral advertising behind the film completely passed me by – I guess it means I’ve not exactly got my finger on the pulse anymore? Anyway, I remember taking a look at the DVD cover on a couple of occasions – usually in Asda while out on support, waiting for someone to choose which magazine they wanted. The description on the back piqued my interest a little but in true JJ Abrams style, it gave very little away. Fast forward a few months to another evening scrolling through the channels searching for something to watch and lo and behold, I stumble upon Cloverfield. Once again, I joined it 20 or so minutes in; our protagonists were still at the party, sitting out on the balcony. If you’ve seen the film, you’ll know I only had to wait a couple of minutes for all hell to break loose. And by the time the dismembered head of the Statue of Liberty had come to rest in the middle of the street and the main characters were taking shelter inside the convenience store, I was open-mouthed in disbelief at what I’d just seen. It was an awesome surprise. Cloverfield is one of the few modern movies I wish I’d seen for the first time on the big screen. Just one quick question for JJ Abrams – when are we going to get the sequel?

Other inconsequential musings;

  • I’m sorry Gaga, I appreciate your LGBT activism, and the likes of Bad Romance, Alejandro and Telephone were utter triumphs. I’d even go as far to say I quite enjoyed Born This Way but since then you’ve completely lost me. I’m sure it’s terribly un-cool to state the facts but the video for Marry The Night was nothing more than an unendurable 9 minutes of monotone ramblings about memory and honest lies and Parisian berets and how the universe is made of Cheerios and that’s before we even got to the half-hearted, unremarkable, fair to middling song. That sort of self-indulgent nonsense might appeal to a 13-year old who hasn’t yet discovered they’ll never be a ballerina or maybe a 22-year old lesbian who’s still “coming to terms” but jings, you don’t half go on, lady. Put the meat dress back in the cupboard, get over the image, and get over yourself before it’s too late.
  • I wish I understood why the holly tree in our garden has shed all its leaves on its east-facing side. It’s really very perplexing and it’s doing my head in.
  • It is a joy to be only three chapters into a book that hubby bought me for my birthday, and to already know that it is one of those rare gems that you just want to savour – a subject that excites you and an easy style of writing, a book not to be rushed under any circumstances. Every word leaps out of the page creating a vivid mental landscape which out-classes anything a television or a cinema could provide. Reading can really be one of life’s greatest pleasures.

And finally;

  • Sofa jigging to old sing-a-long favourites and radio edits maybe one of my most favourite ways to spend a Saturday, but the washing machine has almost finished with the bed linen and today is a blue sky day – a rarity in West Scotland. It’s time to get out there and enjoy it.

All my love,

The Buttons Blog x

Mandolin chords and quirky foreign charisma

“Now I hear them moving, muffled noises coming through the door – I’m feel I’m crackin’ up!”

I’ve been auditorily kidnapped and I gotta say; Stockholm Syndrome never felt (or sounded) so good. I swear they came out of nowhere, my assailants – 4 in total; 2 women and 2 men. The funny thing is they’ve played this trick on me many times before. They’ve been leaping out and scaring the pants off me pretty much my whole life – they’re hardly what I would call strangers. Nevertheless they’ve had me dangling in a vice-like grip for over a week now and damn their exquisite harmonies and unusually articulate rhyme, they just ain’t showin’ any sign of retreating and letting me go.

Not that I want to be released anytime soon. I’m trapped in a prison wrapped in a prism of my own design; of flared 70′s Euro-exuberance, synth-ridden matrimonial breakdown, 80′s vocoder overdubs and enough man-made fibres and gaudy colour coordination to make my retinas ache. Absolutely everywhere I turn I’m met by a kaleidoscopic frenzy of lacquered green snakeskin and azure blue eye shadow. What’s more the air is thick with the smell of Hai Karate and Vosene hair shampoo, and I’m absolutely dripping wet with hot Swedish Erotica.

“Andante, Andante!”

The truth of it is I’m being stalked by obscure ABBA songs.

Trust me, this isn’t just a passing crooked lip-synch, a facial profile phasing in and out of focus or even a couple of repeats of Dancing Queen. I can’t stand Dancing Queen anyway. Dancing Queen is to ABBA what Bohemian Rhapsody is to Queen – a fantastic crowd pleaser during a greatest this or that countdown, but a royal pain in the neck to anyone who’s ever dipped more than their big toe into the full back catalogue. Anyone who tells you Dancing Queen is their favourite ABBA song is a fucking troglodyte! Ask them to talk to you about their appreciation for the haunting, existential funereal coda behind The Day Before You Came or the psychedelic description of the mistreatment of Soviet political dissidents in The Visitors, and then they can call themselves a fan. Any of us can “see that girl”, all of us can “watch that scene”, but quite frankly, I need a little bit more meat on the bone.

Ok, I know I’m laying it on a bit thick. I tell you what, I’ll settle for someone who can get past Waterloo and consider its predecessor Ring Ring a much better Eurovision contender.

“… the happiest sound of them all.”

Don’t for goodness sake allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security by their pleasing demeanour and quirky, foreign charisma. This is no friendly Fernando campfire sing-a-long. They must’ve locked me inside the archives, somewhere deep in the bowels of Polar Studios, 58 Sankt Eriksgatan and let me tell you, this is no place for wispy, airy-fairy cover versions of I Have A Dream, or even Madonna’s hijacking of the Gimme, Gimme, Gimme riff. I’m groping about in the darkness, vicariously enduring Agnetha’s tortured separation anxiety, humming the mandolin chords from Chiquitita, all the while wading through some seriously full-on contradictory joyous, Scandinavian melancholia. This is real original hardcore shit!

“This park and these houses, old streets I have walked. Everything dear – will it be here, one day when I am returning? My friends will get married, have children and homes. It sounds so nice, well planned and wise – never expecting surprises”

It’s all I can do to wrap my head around Hole In Your Soul with its rock and roll rhythmic high-jinks or I Wonder (Departure) and its heart-rending emotional counterpoint, and marvel at how such diametrically-opposed musical artistry could sit neatly on the same piece of vinyl alongside chart monsters such as Take A Chance On Me and The Name Of The Game, all without the meerest hint of formula, and all with seemingly the least amount of effort. It is perhaps no surprise they called that particular record ABBA – The Album. By that point in their story, titularity was completely superfluous. By 1977 the quartet had already gone stratospheric, out-selling Volvo cars as Sweden’s number one export.

Oh I know it’s all hopelessly nostalgic but everything in life is cyclical. This isn’t the 1st time the four of them have scooped me up from wherever I happen to be only to plonk me head-first into a bonkers Bang-a-Boomerang repeat shuffle of the likes of Two For The Price Of One, As Good As New and Me and I. I’ve learned through experience that it’s best to embrace it when Frida, Benny, Agnetha and Björn decide to gatecrash my, otherwise quiet little life. To be honest with you, I’m damned if I can remember a time when they weren’t there, looming in the gloom;

“Like an angel passing through my room.”

Related Links:

ABBA Official Website

Retro Boogie (part one)

The Buttons Blog Abba YouTube Channel

Travelling from Paris to Jerusalem on horseback

Why, when I look back to the points in history that appeal to me, do I always find myself inexorably drawn to the women in the story?

England’s medieval monarchy has always been a corner of history that excites me. If you wanted me to be even more specific, it would be the Plantagenet dynasty that really sets my imagination racing. But for all your Henrys, your Richards, your Geoffreys and your Johns, it’s the Mauds, the Matildas and of course the Eleanors who leave their burnished mark upon me.

When people speak of Henry II – the first Plantagenet King (1133-1189) they talk of a ruthlessness, a passion and a hot-headedness inherited from his Angevin father, Geoffrey. His intelligence, they say, he inherited from his mother, Matilda.

Wasn’t it always thus?

Matilda was England’s first ever Queen – in all but name. She was the only surviving legitimate child of King Henry I, following the disastrous sinking of the White Ship off rocks at Barfleur in 1120, where her brother, heir to the throne, perished. Her father, Henry even went as far as proclaiming her next in line to rule. But she was never crowned and is normally excluded from the list of English monarchs. Upon Henry’s death, and while pregnant with her third child, Matilda’s cousin Stephen of Blois laid claim to England’s throne before she could reach London. It was this act of betrayal which threw the whole country into a succession crisis. With the lords, barons and bishops split firmly down the middle, England entered a period of bloody civil war. It was a time that would become known as The Anarchy.

It won’t surprise you to know that a woman’s lot in 12th Century England was not exactly what we would consider equal, even for those of high birth. Choices were slim. Generally, women were considered completely unintelligent and base, fit for either bearing children, whoring or (if born into nobility) working at needlepoint. Should a woman of rank become widowed, their sole decision was to either re-marry (as quickly as possible) or to retire to a nunnery. What is remarkable about Matilda is that despite being widowed (at the age of 23) and being forced by her father into a violent, loveless marriage to Geoffrey of Anjou, she took an active role in all military campaigns against the usurper, Stephen. She is even recorded as being present (albeit from a distance) on the battlefield – something unheard of for a woman. Her greatest triumph came in February 1141 when Stephen was captured and effectively deposed at the Battle of Lincoln. Unfortunately for Matilda however, she never consolidated her advantage and ultimately failed in her bid to become (crowned) England’s queen.

On the one hand, there was Matilda and on the other Stephen of Blois, and his wife – the Queen consort, Maud.

Stephen is generally considered to have been pious, modest and very rash – thoroughly unsuited to the harsh realities of the role of Medieval monarch. Bedeviled by rumours of his father’s cowardice his whole life, it remains debatable whether he would have ever seized the crown at all were it not for the stronger will and personality of his wife, Maud.

Maud was in fact Matilda’s first cousin, and that she was her husband’s strongest supporter there is no doubt. Following Stephen’s capture at the Battle of Lincoln on 2 February 1141, Maud hit back, first journeying north to treat with David I of Scotland, then returning south where she besieged and routed Winchester, ultimately capturing Matilda’s half-brother, Robert of Gloucester. In the end, on 14 September 1141, it was the two women who met and negotiated an exchange of prisoners – Stephen for Robert.

So much for needlepoint.

It was after Winchester that Matilda finally accepted Stephen’s governance and, realising her moment had passed, began to sink all her efforts into ensuring her son, Henry ascended to the throne after Stephen’s death. And in this, she was utterly and completely successful. Maud may have been victorious in safeguarding her husband’s reign come the end of The Anarchy, but the continuation of the House of Blois would not, ultimately come to pass.

What’s my point?

It is simply this.

Men may be the ones who bluster about with their swords sheathed in blood, claiming victory and the glory for themselves, but it is the women behind them and beside them who build dynastys. They are the progenitors of our societies.

For proof, one need only look to Eleanor of Aquitaine – Henry II’s one and only wife. She was Duchess of Aquitaine in her own right before marrying Henry, having also been Queen of France following her first marriage to Louis VII. It was during this marriage that she journeyed to the Holy Land to participate in the unsuccessful Second Crusade.

Let’s just consider that for a moment. A 12th century woman travelling from Paris to Jerusalem and back , on horseback!

She bore 10 children in all – 7 with Henry. She survived a succession of uprisings and revolts against him – on occasion she even instigated them herself. She lived through her two tempestuous marriages, all the while contending with her sons shifting loyalties and their constant brinkmanship over land, titles, fiefdoms and ultimately, the throne. In no uncertain terms, Eleanor was the glue which held together all of that which Henry considered his – his family, his lands, and his throne. While he, it could be argued, was busy amusing himself with an invasion of Ireland, Eleanor was literally holding the fort in Aquitaine, doing the difficult job of placating her southern French barons, most of whom were hardly Henry’s staunchest allies. Her husband and her sons may have laid claim to each of the lands of the Angevin Empire as over-lord at one time or another, but in the end, she outlived all but the last, John.

For the likes of Maud, Matilda and Eleanor to succeed in overcoming the disadvantage in being (of all things) a woman in Medieval Europe, cannot be underestimated. This, at a time when it was common knowledge that all women were directly descended from Eve and therefore personally responsible for all Sin. To bear this unchallenged misogyny while providing an inexhaustible amount of children, travelling the length and breadth of the known world, all the while managing the affairs of state while their husbands either hunted, squabbled or bedded concubines leaves me aghast with awe.

No man could ever do what they did.

Eleanor was a remarkable 82 years old when she died on 1 April 1204.

Through her (and Henry), the House of Plantagenet bore a total of 14 other monarchs, the line only ending 280 years after Eleanor’s death with Henry Tudor’s victory over Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth Field on 22 August 1485.

In today’s Britain, the descendants of the Plantagenet dynasty (legitimate or otherwise) are some of the wealthiest landowners in the country, including the current 11th Duke of Beaufort, David Somerset – descendant of Edward III, Eleanor’s great, great, great grandson.

Ignoring the elephant on the forecourt

So, what was all that about?

No, I’m not talking about the unseasonably summer-like temperatures we’ve all enjoyed over the last 10 days or so. I’m referring to the 72 hours of petro-madness that had forecourts running dry country-wide.

A lot has been made of the so-called collective panic that gripped us all on Tuesday evening through to Friday morning of this week; how all it took was one off the cuff remark from a little known Cabinet Office Minister to have us buying up Halford’s entire supply of jerry cans, queueing at the pumps, fighting each other on the forecourts, and; in one extreme case, decanting petrol in the kitchen (of all places) with the dinner cooking and ending up with 40% burns.

A lot has been made of the possibility of government conspiracy, designed to fire the first shot in a defining “Thatcher moment” against the UNITE Union and their strike ballot of tanker drivers. Other theories talk of either an engineered crisis to swell government coffers before the end of the tax year, or of a convenient distraction from what has been, in anyone’s language, a truly awful week for the government. First there was the Budget, its tax cuts for the wealthy and pension income freezes for the over 65s. Then there were covert recordings of nefarious offers of influence over government policy, but only if you could afford the quarter million price tag for dinner with Dave. And then, to top it all off with a nice tasty crust, there was (of all things) the pasty tax!

Perhaps it’s not that silly to consider that any political animal, of any persuasion, would gladly rub their hands with glee at the prospect of turning all those awful headlines on their head, by whatever means necessary. We’ve already established that the majority of our representatives are woefully removed from what most of us would consider an ordinary life. (How many of us have garages to store petrol in anyway?) Combine that with an unyielding desire to change the subject at any given moment and it’s easy to imagine Whitehall boffins without an ounce of common sense between them suddenly dreaming up the bonkers notion of creating a panic for fuel when all they had to go on, in fact, was a UNITE Union vote – nothing more.

Stranger things have happened.

But, to my mind, all of this theory and anger directed towards the people running the country misses the gigantic elephant in the room (or in this case, on our nation’s petrol forecourts) that everybody seems content to ignore.

It wasn’t collective panic we witnessed this week – there was nothing collective about it. If we had all been thinking of our collective need, Francis Maude’s comments would’ve already been forgotten. The fact is, it was individualism of the most selfish kind that created the scenes we saw. It was about our disconnect from the people and the communities around us, both locally and nationally. We’ve all been out for ourselves over the last few days, to hell with everyone else, and we should all hang our collective heads in shame. Indeed, the inevitable clamouring for Maude’s resignation since yesterday is evidence enough of the fact that the process has already begun. But it’s always very convenient and perhaps predictable that we transfer our shame into anger and re-direct it at someone, anyone so that we don’t, collectively, have to question our own actions and how completely distasteful they were. But the reality is, we’re not angry with Francis Maude, we’re angry with ourselves. We’re angry that we could be so inconsiderate, so unreasoning, so selfish, and so completely ignorant of the needs of others.

And so we should be.

There can only be one positive outcome from this alarming episode. We have to learn from what we’ve just witnessed within ourselves. It’s no good blaming our own behaviour on silly remarks from daft Cabinet ministers. On any other day of the week we wouldn’t trust a single word of what they said. We need to stop looking for a scapegoat for our own narrow self-centredness and be a bit more grown-up. That means looking at ourselves fully in the blackened, oil-soaked mirror and being honest about our own vulgar, heedless, self-destructive actions. Only by accepting how completely cannibalistic we became, can we ever hope to guard against it happening again. One has to be hopeful that this is a lesson learned. Because it is only a matter of time before real energy crises develop as the Age of Oil enters its death-throes. Perhaps we’re already there? Perhaps all we saw on our petrol forecourts this week was a crude exhibition from a bunch of drug addicts scrapping and hollering for one last fix? If that’s the case, each one of us should be quite rightly panicked. Not by a need to stockpile the stuff. But by how hopelessly ill-prepared we are for when the pumps really do run dry.

Related Links:

Pennorama

John Hefford

Soap in the dispensers

As I’ve said before, I do like March. And true to form, so far, this one hasn’t disappointed. And as a return to work beckons and I come to the end of my first annual leave of the year, Spring has well and truly sprung in the Buttons household.

We’ve already got two maternal visits done and dusted – we visited his, and mine visited us. Yep, it’ll take a second to get your head around that sentence. It did me, and I wrote it.

Things I’ve learned during my week off?

Well, I think I’ve lost my touch when it comes to washing windows. I used to be so good at it. Naturally the house got a good ole Spring clean prior to my mother visiting and as is usual, it fell to me to clean the various bits of glass. What was not usual was the utter mess I left behind. After I’d (supposedly) finished, it looked like I’d been attempting to create a new set of Peruvian Nazca lines. Nothing boosts your self-confidence like the need for someone to come and do the job again, correctly and so effortlessly, right in front of your eyes.

What else?

It was also good to be reminded that there are indeed some places in Scotland that have got the balance right and are geared up to making travelling easy. My mother and I spent a day trip to Rothesay on Bute – one of the islands of the West of Scotland. We caught the train from Prestwick to Paisley, from there a connecting train to Wemyss Bay, and finally a half-hour channel hop on the ferry to Rothesay.

I’d never made that journey before, and I have to admit I was prepared for Scotrail and Caledonian MacBrayne (the ferry operator) to make the task difficult for us. I envisioned a smelly single-carriage train on an antiquated railway line; heavily-subsidised for fear of letting it die unused and un-loved while the rest of the network got sparkly new livery. I imagined a fog-beaten, dilapidated station at Wemyss Bay, no doubt an unhelpful hike away from the ferry port and no doubt littered with line after line of closed boarded-up businesses. In the event, nothing could’ve been further from the truth. Admittedly, in Wemyss Bay there was very little open, but it is still March, and in spite of that, the things that mattered were. The Gents toilet for one. It may not sound crucial but when you’re spending half a day train and ferry hopping, the location of a toilet becomes at least a little of a concern.

Not only was the toilet open, it had soap in the dispensers too. Now that really separates the men from the boys! The trains were on time, and the connecting line from Paisley to Wemyss Bay had had the same make-over currently being rolled out onto the rest of the network. The station was dressed and completely organised to make it easy to catch the ferry. The departure and arrival times were obviously synchronised; the (very) short distance along the boardwalk was protected from the unpredictable West of Scotland elements, and; the departure area was heated, seated and most crucially, manned. Neon clocks told you when the next connecting ferry would depart, and there were timetables everywhere. When it came to boarding the ferry, my social care sector head kinda kicked in for a moment and I made a point of taking note of the levels of accessibility. They were spot on. Yes, the walkway was steep but there were no steps and it was graduated, and besides, if you preferred, a lift could take you from the ground up to the top of the gangway.

And it was just the same coming back. Rothesay’s port was just as accessible, just as informative, and just as easy to navigate, with all the essentials to travelling so often overlooked, present and in abundance.

Somebody somewhere had their head screwed on when it came to thinking about how to make the island of Bute accessible from the mainland, and whoever they are, they should be applauded for it. How often have all of us come up against ill-conceived, batty transport solutions obviously designed by some berk who will probably never need to use them. Travel should be fun. It should be relaxing. Perhaps it always should be less about the destination and more about the journey?

Rothesay, in March, was quiet and tranquil. The weather held. And that was good. But whether it had or hadn’t, it pleased me to be able to enjoy a journey I had never taken before, and to show my mother some more of the part of the country in which I have chosen to live. It pleased me to know that the various public and interested private bodies responsible for investing in attracting services like business and tourism to the area had got it right. Too often, they just don’t – try catching the new Cairnryan ferry route to Ireland without driving and see how long that takes you!

Oh and before I forget, I must just mention the cost. Go on, have a guess. From Prestwick to Rothesay – two trains and a ferry there and back.

£19 off-peak return.

Bargain.

Related Links:

Caledonian MacBrayne

Scotrail

Visit Scotland

Sex, slaves, shellfish and spectacles

I find myself enveloped in a reflective, pensive mood this evening – the first night of my first week of annual leave of the year. Various workplace scenarios and current events skirt across my mind at varying, feverish intervals. They may shout loudly to begin with – vying for attention. But they’re all pretty light and airy-fairy affairs – muslin dreams rather than lead weights. None have yet become arrogantly lodged – stubborn in their refusal to leave. So, I’m allowing them to come and go as they please.

The mind always takes a while to let go.

Oddly, I’m preoccupied with the announcement today that the Most Reverend Rowan Williams is to step down from his role as Archbishop of Canterbury by the end of the year. Mr Williams has held the title of the most senior figurehead in the Anglican Church since 2003.

I won’t even pretend to know anything more about the man than his name and what he looks like. I also won’t suggest I know anything about the Anglican Church other than that which is coloured by my own, biased opinion of religion in general. That is why I turn to people who are perhaps better placed to offer an opinion of the timing, the reasons, and the consequences of his departure. There seem to be two primary points of view involved in the initial reaction to his announcement. On the one hand, Williams has been a calm eye at the storm of debates surrounding homosexuality and the ordination of women bishops. Without him, the Anglican Church would’ve torn itself apart by now. And on the other is described a man, too vague and non-reactionary to be heard by the majority of modern Britain – too softly intelligent and poetic to pull the Church up by its cassocks and lead.

In the last analysis, his legacy will probably contain elements of both.

But, it’s not Rowan Williams who necessarily occupies me. Who his successor may be is a much more thought-provoking concern. And if I’m honest about it, I find myself saying; “Let it be Sentamu, please let it be Sentamu”.

John Sentamu, currently Archbishop of York and second most senior cleric after Rowan Williams is the Ugandan-born, British immigrant whose recent outspoken views on same-sex marriage have, to anyone with half an ability to think for themselves, betrayed a man at best hypocritical and at worst, dangerously bigoted.

Why then would I find myself calling internally for the elevation to the most powerful position in the Church of England of a man so diametrically opposed to my own way of thinking?

Well, I’m not sure, but I have an inkling my motivation could be less than honourable? Elect a leader like Sentamu and the “Church” as an institution will take an almighty public lurch into a polarising direction it may never recover from. I can see them doing it – an extreme figurehead for extreme times. (A rod for their own backs). I can hear them convince themselves; “We’re losing the argument”. “We need someone like Sentamu to stand up for our values, for the moral majority”. “We need to stem the flow of this turgid sexual agenda”. Of course what I suspect they might fail to appreciate is that sanctioning and legitimising Sentamu as their spokesperson might very well come back to haunt them. Perhaps I’m wrong? Ignorant? At the very least, I’m biased. But as far as I can see, his appointment will only marginalise their cause further and disassociate them more from the everyday experiences of the majority of the population. I’m talking about people who live in the real world – away from Leviticus and the acceptable trade in slaves, the labelling of shellfish as unclean or the knowledge that approaching the altar of the Lord if you wear glasses is gonna send you straight to Hell.

But as I said, these are extreme times. When you’re faced with characters like Abu Qatada, what good is a humble, placid diplomat like Williams? When you live in a world where metrosexual men take longer in the bathroom and have less body hair than their girlfriends or their wives, something’s just got to be done. And the temptation to begin shouting louder, more aggressively and more outlandishly than the other guy may have a certain appeal?

So, am I rather distastefully gunning for Sentamu in the hope that he’ll bring the Walls of Jericho falling down around his intolerant, intransigent ears? If I am, then it is a moment of weakness, and you’ll have to forgive me for it. I wish him nothing but the best of luck. Because if it falls to a black, immigrant refugee with spectacles to argue the last, lost case for rigid obeisance towards an ancient manuscript or a definition of marriage as described by an Act of Parliament written at the same time the Atlantic slave trade was getting up a head of steam, then the “Church” is already doomed to crumble into a miasma of laughable, sanctimonious irrelevance.

Prawn sandwich, Archbishop?

Related Links:

Prejudice Stripped in Public

Friday Question

A good old fashioned hug

Cardinal Keith O’Brien, President of the Bishop’s Conference in Scotland, and Britain’s most senior Catholic has written a letter to today’s Sunday Telegraph;

“We cannot afford to indulge this madness”

Ooo, I just want to give him a good old fashioned hug, stroke his temples, fetch his ruby slippers and reassure him that everything’s going to be alright.

My dearest, frightened little Keith,

The world will not end if I can marry. The Four Horsemen will not suddenly be unleashed. Your Institution will not crumble. You can rest easy in your sumptuous palace. It’s all just a bad dream. Cats will go on killing mice, and daffodils will still bloom in Spring. Children will continue to be born into safe, nurturing heterosexual “marriages”, only to grow up to be homos. Over half of all said “marriages” will still end in bitter acrimony and divorce, and the innocent offspring of those legitimate unions will continue to be physically, mentally and sexually abused by men (and women) in institutions just like your’s the world over. Fear not my friend. The distilled utopia your brethren have fashioned for us out of two millennia of endless religious wars, dark age inquisition, witch-burning, sexual repression and misogyny is strong enough to survive such ground-shaking immorality. Quash that stubborn man-on-man mental imagery from your mind and sing with me…

“You’re out of the woods, you’re out of the dark, you’re out of the night. Step into the sun, step into the light”.

There, there. That’s better.

Yours,

The Buttons Blog

Related Links:

This Fragile Tent

Redefining Reality: Cardinal Keith O’Brien’s Fear

Liberal Reflections

White Noise

Tragic, needless deaths occur every day but they very rarely get noticed other than by those people intimately involved. If they do get publicised or commented on by the media, I’m sure most if not all of us consider the hollow, wastefulness of the circumstances only so long as it takes us to turn the page, click the mouse or switch the washing machine on. It’s not that we’re at all unfeeling, or immune to the pathos, it’s simply because there is only so much information our brains can sequester from the rest of the rhythmic white noise which surrounds our own, daily lives. The telephone needs answering, the cats need feeding and the toast needs buttered. One just has to be choosy.

It was announced today that the body of PC David Rathband was found last night, in his flat in Blyth, Northumberland where he had been living since separating from his wife, Kath last year. PC Rathband was the unarmed traffic officer on duty in his marked police car, sat on a roundabout on the A1 on 4 July 2010 – the day Raoul Moat began the killing spree that sparked one of the biggest manhunts in British history. Moat shot PC Rathband twice with a shotgun at point blank range, destroying his eyes, ending his career, and ultimately claiming his life.

In October 2010, three months after he was shot and blinded, PC Rathband set up the Blue Lamp Foundation, a charity to help emergency services staff injured in the line of duty. Mr. Rathband often chose to speak frequently and candidly in public about his difficulties coping with sudden disability and the impact it had on his family, particularly his two young children. But those close to him hoped his energetic charity campaigning and natural determination would see him through the physical and mental anguish that endured.

In September last year however, he gave a moving interview in which the extent of his struggle began to make itself felt.

“I don’t know whether a lot of this is my own perceptions and my insecurities but I hear people’s voices when they’re talking to me and I feel the resentment in their voice for having to guide me round. There’s lots of things like that.”

By November, he had separated from his wife.

Apparently, it was his conversations on Twitter over the last few days that alerted followers to his worrying mental state. So much so that the police were contacted and urged to check up on him.

His death is believed to have been suicide.

On any other day I may have indeed chosen to acknowledge this particular story of one man’s tragedy only so long as it took for the kettle to boil. But not today. Consider for a moment getting up out of bed, washing, dressing, eating breakfast, brushing your teeth, kissing your partner goodbye as you absent-mindedly open your front door onto another working day. Consider continuing into that unremarkable day, and then for no other reason than you happen to be in a certain place at a certain time, having your life convulse and cataclysmically change in an instant. You go to work with vision, and come home blind.

“The first thing I see when I wake up in the morning, is darkness.”

Unimaginable.

So yes, I feel like remembering PC David Rathband and feeling sad. I choose to ignore the white noise of the rest of my life and consider the man – the human being behind the news headline. I choose to contemplate the hollow, wastefulness of the personal tragedy that befell him – the horrifying debilitating consequences of a random encounter with a paranoid madman.

I feel I owe him that much.

Related links:

Blue Lamp Foundation

Ruminating with Sally House-Coat